just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
