one might say we're banned from that church
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
