you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
