Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
