new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
