ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
