Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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