Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I puked a lego.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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