you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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