They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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