I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
this hospital has no fireball
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
