Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize