My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
