you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
How external is "for external use only"?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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