I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
