so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
