The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
