Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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