I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize