I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
