If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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