you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
