I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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