Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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