What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
