I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
