She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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