She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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