this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
