saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
