um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
