No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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