we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Randomize
