I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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