I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
