1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
