@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
