The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
