a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
