I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
