You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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