he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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