This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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