I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
