Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize