Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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