One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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