dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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