i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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