Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
