i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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