I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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