we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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