I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
