So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
