My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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