well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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