Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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