pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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