i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize