it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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