K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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